It's Like I'm On This Emotional...Ride

This week has all but drained me. Chad & I had a stupid fight over the weekend, and by Monday, we were both completely tired from not talking. We get very juvenile in our fights. Anyway, so by Monday morning, we had brooded enough and Chad took some time off to go with me & Essie to eat lunch, do some shopping...even eat a cupcake! Yes, it was a cupcake WEEKEND. So we had a wonderful time together on Monday. I should have known it was the calm before the storm.

One of my brothers has been estranged from my family for nearly a year. The whole issue goes back several years. He even lived with us for a while. He & my dad DO NOT get along. That is intended to be a polite understatement. I'd rather not get into how volatile their relationship is. So last winter, my brother moved out to Texas. It broke my mother's and my heart. Then he came back for a visit in the spring, and it was the biggest catastrophe yet. Suffice it to say there was a lot of swearing, crying, and "don't-ever-come-back"ing. It was awful. And I'll have to admit, I was pretty resigned to give up on him myself. A first. But, as I've told my husband, this brother & I have always had that special relationship. He could push me off a bridge, and I would still love him. I don't know why. In some weird way, maybe he's my Gomer. I think that's her name. You know, in the book of Hosea, in the Bible. God tells Hosea to take a whore for a wife. She'll cheat on him. She'll lie to him. She'll bear children from other men. But Hosea was commanded to keep loving her.

Obviously my brother and I don't have marital-related issues. But we have ALWAYS stood by one another. Only when my brother's tendencies became self-destructive did I surrender his secrets to others. That was also a very trying time in our lives.

But last night, my brother told me that in December, he's leaving his job in Texas, and moving to California to live with his girlfriend. Who, incidentally, he's bringing to Christmas. I know we live in a very "forward-thinking" society, and living with someone isn't the cardinal sin it used to be considered. But you have to understand my family--an ability I wouldn't wish on anyone. My dad was a minister in the church for the majority of my & my siblings' lives. My mom was a pianist, Sunday School teacher, minister's wife...we come from a very traditional background. A decision like this from my brother will DESTROY my mother. And it will only cause the giant rift between my dad & brother to get bigger. I can't begin to describe how hateful, bitter, and volatile the relationship between my brother & my parents (but especially my dad) is.

Thank God for my husband. Last night, when my brother called to tell me everything, he said he was going to let me tell my parents. Thanks, I've always wanted to dash my mother's heart to bits. But before I called her, I talked to my husband and just poured my heart out. Of course, this morning, having had a good cry last night, I have a headache and my face is severely swollen. I am just so drained now, and my heart is so broken, I'm too tired to feel anything.

I know that God does not give us more than we can handle, if we rely on Him. And so I thank Him over and over for using my husband and baby daughter to be the healing balm my heart & soul so desperately need.